One for Joy (Salad Days)

"Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in a while he needs a salad."

Woody Allen

One for joy

A comprehensive list of superstitions and adages.

. Should you leave a wardrobe door ajar overnight, you will not be able to recall your dreams. When you don the attire from that wardrobe, the events of those

'forgotten' dreams will govern your day. Note - Deja Vu.

. When you hear a raven rave or a crow crow, this 'cheer' means you have, from actions recent or old, recently achieved something beneficial for an acquaintance.

. A cat bites you; a portion of evil dies forever.

. When you leave your bed, neither from the left side nor from the right, but from the bottom, be sure and engage in some gambling activity by day, for you shall surely be successful.

. Never huddle the 'H's together on a bookshelf.

. You can tell a blue tit a secret. They will keep it safe forever.

. Never put postcards in a drawer.

. Look outside before you set to your breakfast.

. Toss the 'first found' horse chestnut of the year across your living room floor to avoid physical injury the year round.

. Tell the full moon you love it. Tell the others not to get too serious.

. If you slice your sandwiches diagonally, into two equal triangles, this reveals a confident personality; one who knows which direction they are headed. If you cut your sandwiches horizontally, into rectangles, you are, in essence, a sentimentalist. If you eat your sandwich unsliced, you are happy in your own company. Cut the sandwich into four small triangles, you are a gregarious sort. Those who do not like sandwiches, do not understand the world.

. Should you experience 'butterflies' in the stomach first thing in the morning you will in no way be bored by the events of the day. you will be graciously provided with an abundance of food for thought.

. When you pass a water mill, it is only right to save a thought for your ancestors.

. Wear orange, pink, blue, black, grey, and green above the waist and simultaneously; your propensity for learning languages will increase tenfold.

. Should an elephant raise its trunk to you, you are sure to marry your true love.

. Never step on the next to last step on a staircase if you plan to be rich or famous.

. Survive from dawn till dusk without utilising the word 'I'; your children will never want for anything.

. Smile at a penguin; the world will smile back.

. Witness a woodpecker pecking; your life will instantly take a turn for the better.

. Every button lost is a wish sent straight to heaven.

. Never ascend/descend stairs/steps with your hands in your pockets lest you wake the world trickster.

. Sit, or lay, entirely alone, in complete silence, for ten minutes every day, and you shall know nothing of loneliness all your years.

. Spy a flock of seagulls inland; your next conquest - blonde.

. Spy a kestrel from a moving car; lucky in business.

. Spy a stork standing on two legs; grant your partner a wish.

. Propitious the word which the parrot repeats.

. See a brunette, pick her up and all day long you'll have good luck.

. Start and finish reading a book in one day, then bake a cake; to heaven with you!

. Every time you put the milk in your cup before you pour in the coffee, you increase your ability to make yourself understood clearly by everybody, everywhere.

. A tear of happiness appears like a melancholy angel released from it's bonds of mistrust. A sudden and overwhelming belief that time is a lie. At that moment make a home for this blessing; God just counted you 'a friend'.

. If you feel anxious, put a house plant in a larger pot. When you're watering it for the first time, name your fear. Gain strength from the life you are sustaining.

. Start writing a guidebook to your own happiness. Lists. Messages for a future you. Places you have been which you enjoy. Things you do which please you. Combinations of food which make you happy. People who make you feel comfortable. We forget how forgetful we can be. Add to this book as you go. Do not sit and try to remember. We rewrite memories like politicians rewrite their conscience.

. For every push up you do in the morning, a night a day a does.

. For every negative thought you have about a person, and for every negative predicted conversation you imagine with them, you add cumbersome links to your metaphorical ball and chain. Stay light.

. Two 3s on a car registration plate is lucky. Three 3s on a registration plate is very lucky. More than the aforementioned amount of 3s on a car number plate is up to the owner.

. Whenever you see three 3s, take note of the thought you are thinking. It is the truth.

. Whenever visible, blow a sincere kiss to each star on Orion's belt, and your planet will be guided safely through this turbulent cosmos.

. Each time you grunt when you sit down or rise from your seat, an angel loses face.

. The stars know so much more than you do. The very fact that you can think and reason only slows you down. Praise the rock you are on. It is your ship through time and space. Drink a glass of water. Praise enough.

. Old age is a blessing. Count on it to help you through your difficult youth.

. When depressed in the mires of the quotidian, push out your bottom lip like a sulking infant does. Furrow your brow to boot. Now take a look at yourself in the mirror. More often than not this will put things into perspective.

. Give a shop keeper the correct change; all will be forgiven.

. Go for a long walk in the rain. Find three reasons to enjoy the experience and you will never want for good company.

. Applaud longer than anybody else at the theatre and your breasts/penis (gender-according) will surely increase in size.

. Life is an unwanted gift from a well-meaning peasant, with the price tag left on, and the bill left unpaid. Cough up, smile, and don't forget to keep up the 'grateful' act.

. Feed a swan, kiss a king.

. Ride a pony, don't ride a pony.

. When relieving yourself at a building site, whisper a 'Bless you' for its future inhabitants.

. When bumping into an old acquaintance, by chance, be sure and squeeze the word 'frogwoman' into the first sentence uttered. This will ensure a furthering of your good relations.

. Visualise, in as exact detail as possible, the home you wish to live in.

. First - Purchase a bag or an item of clothing from a cheaper manufacturers as oppose to a top designer's.

Second - declare yourself an artistic person.

. The proportion of time spent on your phone instead of with the friend you arranged to meet is equal to the percentage likelihood that you would betray your country in a time of war.

. Smile - the cage you are in has air holes.

. One poem about a monkey is worth ten about a tulip.

. When you see a road sign with a place name which has two meanings, you should click fingers on both hands and animatedly shout 'SNAP!'

. You can't lie to a squirrel.

. Fall asleep in the fetal position and you will dream dreams with their origins in memory. Fall asleep on your back and you will dream dreams of revelation. Fall asleep on your front and dream the dreams of a wish fulfiller.

. A crocodile who can't spell is like a camomile cummerbund.

. No harm can come to anybody in a library.

. A winter without words is to see everything in black and white.

. A same rote but Nona-heads; drink apple cider.

. Gold tongue in a bell jar and you'll helplessly army a bunk-bed-a-mate.

. Cramp lion the mainsail or hoops won't never belittle one.

. Ghandi cross on a VPL; Hena will rue the day it 'tatered.

. Add one minute to your life for every foreign word you learn and memorise.

. See through yourself when you sit back and relish the beauty of it.

. Drink from the neck, pay for the check.

. Feet on table, mentally unstable.

. Lick the ball, watch them fall.

. Every time you see a nun,

Slap your neighbour on the bum.

If you slap your neighbour faster,

They'll be slave and you'll be master.

Michael John Rowland


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